My Anxiety Fragrance
I had never really thought about linking fragrance and anxiety together until it hit me like a lightbulb this week during therapy (on the nose much?). One thing I did to keep my anxiety at bay during COVID lockdown was wearing perfume, trying new perfumes on, writing about perfume. I was imagining where I would be in the world when I finally got to wear certain scents and who I would be when I ever got to wear them again.
The world is open again and easily worse than before and my anxiety feels worse than it’s ever been. I spend a lot of time at home since I freelance—a path that feels shaky as it continues on—chasing for paychecks, following up on pitches, applying for jobs I won’t hear from, watching media crumble. My “at-home” perfume routine, for the days when I don’t see anyone, and roll from my desk to my couch, aren’t the same fantasy fulfilling scents as before. Now, I see my daily perfume almost as a necessary balm to get through the day.
I don’t really know how The Nue Co’s Mind Energy became my at home fragrance, but it’s something I most certainly got for free during my time at The Cut. Written on the back of the ruby red bottle says, “Use daily or as required to re-energize and re-center.” Clearly, that’s a message I’ve taken to heart, every time I spray it when I start my working at home day. I usually always smell out of the bottle first, the whiff that hits the back of my nose is fresh, green, and slightly peppery and always makes me feel a bit calmer. The fragrance is described as a “mind supplement” that’s supposed to increase focus and energy and invigorate. It has notes of clary sage, pink peppercorn, clove, and geranium. All of those notes are tailor made to match the message on the back of the bottle. When I put it on, it’ll fade with bright juniper whispers that feel like they are poised to pop when I need them the most after another pitch rejection or low bank account email. Sure, maybe it’s a placebo effect but so far in this very tough year, it’s been a small thing that’s helped keep me going. The Nue Co has a “Functional Fragrances” category and the others are made to help with relaxation, stress, and anxiety.
The funniest thing about all of this, to me at least, is I can’t wear Mind Energy outside my house. The couple times I have, when last minute plans crop up in the neighborhood, I’ll smell that blast of spicy juniper and it’ll immediately remind me of all the things I’m precisely trying to not think about at the end of the day. Something that gives me so much comfort in the space of my apartment, feels completely off outside of it. Perhaps, much of that is the emotions I’ve tied to this one fragrance—reading the constantly horrific, gruesome news about the genocide happening in Palestine, worrying that now in my late 30s I have no safety net, the constant grind of freelancing, my own anxiety about not writing this Substack enough. But at the same time, it’s another testament to the ways in which fragrance can absorb so much and that’s something I’m constantly in awe of.